Explore Port Hueneme

Massive Banana Spiders Crawl Off Boats to Terrorize Locals

2009-03-19T12:11:00.001-07:00

The next time you are sunning yourself at Port Hueneme Beach and feel a strange tingling sensation on your flesh, don't assume it's the drip of your suntan lotion. It must just be a massive banana spider crawling down your back.

Port Hueneme, prized for its quiet beaches and beautiful sunsets, also has its dark side: ungodly large banana spiders who arrive on boats from Ecuador and other Central American countries to devour local wildlife and scare the bejeezus out of locals and tourists alike.

"They ride the boats in with the bananas and then jump onto the docks," said one local longshoreman who requested his name be withheld due to the possibility of violent reprisals by the banana spiders. "We smash as many as we can, but there are always three or four who make it across the parking lot and under the fence."

The spiders make their way to the plentiful parks and beaches that dot Port Hueneme where they feed on insects and mice. Although seagulls and ducks may pick off the smaller creatures, eventually some of the spiders grow large enough to roam the streets and beaches largely uncontested, feeding on sand crabs and sunbathers.

A six year old girl recently went missing at Port Hueneme Beach and was later found completely encased in webs. "It was those dang banana spiders," said Jerrod Cooter, a local surfer who has watched the massive spiders prey on children for years. "A big momma spider had her all wrapped up and was saving her for dinner. The more they eat, the bigger they get, so I know it's just a matter of time before they come after me."

Although techniques for destroying spiders vary, the most effective has always been to smash them with the bottom of your shoe. However, the large size of these spiders, some of which have grown to be the size of small dogs, warrants more severe forms of weaponry.

"Propane combined with fire works well," said Buzz McGruder, a local mechanic. "I keep a small tank in the back of my truck just in case."

Asked to gauge the seriousness of the problem, McGruder added. "I suppose they could completely take over, but I'm not too worried. Port Hueneme is surrounded by military bases, including a Naval Weapons center which is packing some heavy stuff. Things get too bad and the military will light up the whole place."

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Kid Heckles Ducks, Does Faceplant

2009-02-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

A six year old child, perhaps possessed by the Devil himself, recently chased after a peaceful family of ducks in Moranda Park with a stick, only to trip and fall on his face much to the pleasure of the heckled ducks. The child's parents, irresponsible witnesses to the entire event, simply shrugged their shoulders and continued eating sandwiches on the grass.

Port Hueneme has a large population of ducks and other waterfowl who reside both at the beach and inland green areas. Moranda Park is well known for its abundant ducks as well as a large underground community of ground squirrels. Children often heckle and taunt the ducks for reasons only a psychotherapist might explain. Today was the first sign the ducks might actually possess some hidden psychic weapon for fighting back.

Thankfully, the human child was not physically injured by the fall, recovering after a minute or two of sustained yet puzzled crying. However, the psychological damage he suffered from being heckled by ducks will certainly haunt his dreams for years to come.

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Port Hueneme Beach Festival is Free Again

2009-02-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

After last year's failed experiment to charge visitors four bucks to enjoy the Hueneme Beach Festival, the City Council has declared the event free once again. No longer will visitors be required to shell out four hundred hard earned pennies to stand around a parking lot surrounded by a chain link fence and spend even more on beer, greasy sausages, and whatever else the vendors are hawking.

Four bucks is not a lot of money for live entertainment -- and the bands are definitely worth checking out -- but last year ticket sales were down so the City Council rescinded the entry fee. A smart move in Port Hueneme, where locals are notoriously cheap.

Port Hueneme Crows Cannibalize Other Birds

2008-05-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

Not content with raiding garbage cans and scavenging for worms and seeds, crows in Port Hueneme have now begun devouring other birds, according to a local resident.

"It looked like a sparrow to me, but I guess it looked like lunch to the crow" said the resident who prefers to remain anonymous due to potential gangland style reprisals. "The smaller bird was flapping his wings and trying to escape, but the crow was holding it down and pecking at it. I tried to break it up, but the crow carried the other bird into the high branches of a eucalyptus tree and kept munching away. It was the most horrible thing I've seen since those seals were crawling up on the beach and dying a few years ago."

Port Hueneme is well know for its abundant bird activity, but this is the first known case of crow cannibalism.

"I used to think crows were unfairly hated because of that annoying sound they make," said the local resident. "But after seeing what I saw today, I think they are just as scummy as seagulls."

Ground Squirrels Once Again Making "Good Progress" on Rodent Super City After Recent Rain

2008-03-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

Now that the rains are gone, local ground squirrels are once again making "good progress" on finishing their rodent super city beneath Moranda Park, according to a local spokesrat.

"The rain slowed us down for a few weeks," said the spokesrat. "It really kinda sucked. We had to spend our time getting the mud out of old tunnels instead of digging new ones. But now that the sun is out again, we're digging faster than ever."

Signs of progress are everywhere, with dozens of distinctive ground squirrel mounds and tunnel tracks visible on the grassy surface of Moranda Park, and new ones erupting daily. The mounds and tunnels are part of a massive underground excavation project said to run several thousand feet deep and dozens of miles in all directions.

"We don't like to give exact figures on that type of thing," said the spokesrat. "Let's just say most humans would s*** a brick if they knew how big it was. We can get to any park in the city without coming above ground once, and we're almost done completing a four tunnel freeway linking us directly to Ventura."

Asked if the ground squirrel population had deal with threats from local city workers, the spokesrat replied, "Sure, what else is new? The city has this one guy who's always trying something new. Rocks, water, poison... he should ashamed of himself. Guess he watched Caddyshack too many times. But we got plans for him. Trust me."

Local Short Bus Driver a Menace to Port Hueneme Streets

2008-02-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

PRESS RELEASE

Looking left and right is not enough anymore if you are a pedestrian crossing Port Hueneme streets, now that a local short bus driver has gone NASCAR with her distinctive vehicle, speeding and ignoring traffic signs on town thoroughfares.

Just last week, a local pedestrian on a morning walk was forced to jump out of the way of the speeding short bus after the unidentified driver failed to halt at a stop sign. Two days later the same pedestrian saw the short bus driver blow another stop sign and speed recklessly down a normally quiet suburban street.

"I'm just worried about the example this sets for the special ones," stated the local pedestrian who refuses to be named for fear of "Mad Max" style reprisals by the menacing short bus driver. "Personally, I think she's the one that should be in special ed."

Until police put a stop to this local menace all local and tourist pedestrians are encouraged to practice extreme caution when crossing the street or risk being flattened by the speeding cheese wagon.

This could be you!

Raccoons Like to Hook Up in Hotel Parking Lot

2008-02-11T16:56:00.000-08:00

PRESS RELEASE

Port Hueneme, well known for its strange squawking birds and distinctively-furred feral cats, can now add raccoons to its roster of local wildlife, now that a local hotel parking lot has become a hot spot for late night hook ups.

Two of the masked bandits were spotted slinking around the parking lot of the Country Inn & Suites at approximately 11:30 p.m. by a local pedestrian on a late night walk. "They looked caught, if you know what I mean," said the pedestrian who prefers to remain unnamed for fear of attack by the raccoons. "Their faces were a mixture of guilt and excitement, like they just finished doing something nasty, and they were heading towards the beach, probably to smoke a cigarette."

The Country Inn & Suites has not yet commented on the use of their parking lot as meeting place for raccoon love.

Although not commonly associated with the ocean, raccoons are no stranger to the waterfront, especially if there are garbage cans to raid. Nearby Ormand beach is known to be especially popular with raccoons.

Feral Cats Humping in Peace After Close Call With Massive Machines

2008-01-25T16:11:00.000-08:00

PRESS RELEASE

The local feral cats have survived the recent construction work along the South Hueneme Beach breakwater and are once again catching rats and mating prolifically in the foggy wee hours down on the docks.

Locals were unsure of the cats’ fate as large earthmoving machines appeared one misty morning and started removing the rocky breakwater as part of the long-awaited construction of a paved walkway from the Hueneme beach gay pride flagpoles to the lighthouse.

Now that work on the breakwater is complete, the cats are back in action, battling one another for newly configured turf, sunning themselves when possible, and hopping the occasional ship to Siam to visit distant cousins.

A litter of newborn kittens was recently spotted peeping from the rocks, sporting the distinctive brown squirrel fur that has made the Port Hueneme Feral the year’s most prized showcat.

Chinese Swan Geese Survive Thanksgiving Holiday Without Becoming Dinner Main Course

2007-12-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

PRESS RELEASE

Honk and Honka, Port Hueneme’s famous Chinese Swan Geese, survived the Thanksgiving holiday without being captured and cooked by hungry neighbors. The birds’ safety was of grave concern to locals who thought residents from nearby Oxnard might enter Port Hueneme to capture the birds for use in holiday meals.

Honk and Honka have been living along the Port Hueneme Bubbling Springs Green Belt for at least two years now. They are known for their loud honking, aggressive food solicitation, and occasionally striking humans with their wings.

Swan Geese Nest Destroyed by Reckless Maniacally Laughing City Worker on Riding Lawnmower

2007-08-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

PRESS RELEASE

The nest of Port Hueneme’s most famous waterfowl was destroyed recently by a reckless maniacally laughing city worker and his riding lawnmower.

Honk and Honka, two Chinese Swan Geese who live on the Bubbling Springs Waterway, humped and nested last month with several eggs in the high grass near the Civic Pavilion. Bird-loving residents had been watching the nest on a daily basis, waiting for the chicks to hatch, but were dismayed to find level ground, grass trimmings, and broken eggshells where the nest once stood, the result of aggressive greens keeping.

When confronted about the destruction of the nest, local officials promised to have their men keep a better eye out for the nests in the future.

Chinese Swan Goose Attacks German Shepherd

2007-07-25T16:17:00.000-07:00

PRESS RELEASE

Honk, a Chinese Swan Goose living along Port Hueneme’s Bubbling Springs Green Belt, recently charged and scared away a fully grown German Shepherd dog, who the protective bird believed was threatening his wife’s nest.

The dogs’s owner, a retired Army general, refused comment.

Residents Agree: Fireworks At Beach Not as Fun as they Used to Be

2007-07-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

PRESS RELEASE

The Fourth of July at Port Hueneme Beach used to be a real bang, but now it’s a bore. So say many Port Hueneme residents who miss the old days when spectacular displays of dangerous illegal fireworks were commonplace.

“You can barely see the fireworks at the harbor from here, so we used to bring our own fireworks,” said one resident with bright red hair and countless tattoos who preferred to remain anonymous for this inteview. “We would set up ammo tents and fire off rockets all night long, but now you can barely light a sparkler without getting nabbed by the fuzz.”

Police closely monitor the beach on ATVs and are quick to stop any illegal fireworks activity and confiscate all illegal fireworks.

“I’m scared to even light my cigarette,” said another resident known only as Flameboy. “I keep expecting a cop to throw a bucket of water in my face.”

Signs posted around the beach warn residents of the zero tolerance policy in effect.

“The guys that used to come out here weren’t professional, but they weren’t amateur either,” said Flameboy. “They were amateur professionals, and had some really good stuff from Mexico. We miss them.”