Massive Banana Spiders Crawl Off Boats to Terrorize Locals

The next time you are sunning yourself at Port Hueneme Beach and feel a strange tingling sensation on your flesh, don't assume it's the drip of your suntan lotion. It must just be a massive banana spider crawling down your back.

Port Hueneme, prized for its quiet beaches and beautiful sunsets, also has its dark side: ungodly large banana spiders who arrive on boats from Ecuador and other Central American countries to devour local wildlife and scare the bejeezus out of locals and tourists alike.

"They ride the boats in with the bananas and then jump onto the docks," said one local longshoreman who requested his name be withheld due to the possibility of violent reprisals by the banana spiders. "We smash as many as we can, but there are always three or four who make it across the parking lot and under the fence."

The spiders make their way to the plentiful parks and beaches that dot Port Hueneme where they feed on insects and mice. Although seagulls and ducks may pick off the smaller creatures, eventually some of the spiders grow large enough to roam the streets and beaches largely uncontested, feeding on sand crabs and sunbathers.

A six year old girl recently went missing at Port Hueneme Beach and was later found completely encased in webs. "It was those dang banana spiders," said Jerrod Cooter, a local surfer who has watched the massive spiders prey on children for years. "A big momma spider had her all wrapped up and was saving her for dinner. The more they eat, the bigger they get, so I know it's just a matter of time before they come after me."

Although techniques for destroying spiders vary, the most effective has always been to smash them with the bottom of your shoe. However, the large size of these spiders, some of which have grown to be the size of small dogs, warrants more severe forms of weaponry.

"Propane combined with fire works well," said Buzz McGruder, a local mechanic. "I keep a small tank in the back of my truck just in case."

Asked to gauge the seriousness of the problem, McGruder added. "I suppose they could completely take over, but I'm not too worried. Port Hueneme is surrounded by military bases, including a Naval Weapons center which is packing some heavy stuff. Things get too bad and the military will light up the whole place."

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