Massive Banana Spiders Crawl Off Boats to Terrorize Locals

The next time you are sunning yourself at Port Hueneme Beach and feel a strange tingling sensation on your flesh, don't assume it's the drip of your suntan lotion. It must just be a massive banana spider crawling down your back.

Port Hueneme, prized for its quiet beaches and beautiful sunsets, also has its dark side: ungodly large banana spiders who arrive on boats from Ecuador and other Central American countries to devour local wildlife and scare the bejeezus out of locals and tourists alike.

"They ride the boats in with the bananas and then jump onto the docks," said one local longshoreman who requested his name be withheld due to the possibility of violent reprisals by the banana spiders. "We smash as many as we can, but there are always three or four who make it across the parking lot and under the fence."

The spiders make their way to the plentiful parks and beaches that dot Port Hueneme where they feed on insects and mice. Although seagulls and ducks may pick off the smaller creatures, eventually some of the spiders grow large enough to roam the streets and beaches largely uncontested, feeding on sand crabs and sunbathers.

A six year old girl recently went missing at Port Hueneme Beach and was later found completely encased in webs. "It was those dang banana spiders," said Jerrod Cooter, a local surfer who has watched the massive spiders prey on children for years. "A big momma spider had her all wrapped up and was saving her for dinner. The more they eat, the bigger they get, so I know it's just a matter of time before they come after me."

Although techniques for destroying spiders vary, the most effective has always been to smash them with the bottom of your shoe. However, the large size of these spiders, some of which have grown to be the size of small dogs, warrants more severe forms of weaponry.

"Propane combined with fire works well," said Buzz McGruder, a local mechanic. "I keep a small tank in the back of my truck just in case."

Asked to gauge the seriousness of the problem, McGruder added. "I suppose they could completely take over, but I'm not too worried. Port Hueneme is surrounded by military bases, including a Naval Weapons center which is packing some heavy stuff. Things get too bad and the military will light up the whole place."

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Kid Heckles Ducks, Does Faceplant

A six year old child, perhaps possessed by the Devil himself, recently chased after a peaceful family of ducks in Moranda Park with a stick, only to trip and fall on his face much to the pleasure of the heckled ducks. The child's parents, irresponsible witnesses to the entire event, simply shrugged their shoulders and continued eating sandwiches on the grass.

Port Hueneme has a large population of ducks and other waterfowl who reside both at the beach and inland green areas. Moranda Park is well known for its abundant ducks as well as a large underground community of ground squirrels. Children often heckle and taunt the ducks for reasons only a psychotherapist might explain. Today was the first sign the ducks might actually possess some hidden psychic weapon for fighting back.

Thankfully, the human child was not physically injured by the fall, recovering after a minute or two of sustained yet puzzled crying. However, the psychological damage he suffered from being heckled by ducks will certainly haunt his dreams for years to come.

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Port Hueneme Beach Festival is Free Again

After last year's failed experiment to charge visitors four bucks to enjoy the Hueneme Beach Festival, the City Council has declared the event free once again. No longer will visitors be required to shell out four hundred hard earned pennies to stand around a parking lot surrounded by a chain link fence and spend even more on beer, greasy sausages, and whatever else the vendors are hawking.

Four bucks is not a lot of money for live entertainment -- and the bands are definitely worth checking out -- but last year ticket sales were down so the City Council rescinded the entry fee. A smart move in Port Hueneme, where locals are notoriously cheap.