Port Hueneme Crows Cannibalize Other Birds

Not content with raiding garbage cans and scavenging for worms and seeds, crows in Port Hueneme have now begun devouring other birds, according to a local resident.

"It looked like a sparrow to me, but I guess it looked like lunch to the crow" said the resident who prefers to remain anonymous due to potential gangland style reprisals. "The smaller bird was flapping his wings and trying to escape, but the crow was holding it down and pecking at it. I tried to break it up, but the crow carried the other bird into the high branches of a eucalyptus tree and kept munching away. It was the most horrible thing I've seen since those seals were crawling up on the beach and dying a few years ago."

Port Hueneme is well know for its abundant bird activity, but this is the first known case of crow cannibalism.

"I used to think crows were unfairly hated because of that annoying sound they make," said the local resident. "But after seeing what I saw today, I think they are just as scummy as seagulls."

Ground Squirrels Once Again Making "Good Progress" on Rodent Super City After Recent Rain

Now that the rains are gone, local ground squirrels are once again making "good progress" on finishing their rodent super city beneath Moranda Park, according to a local spokesrat.

"The rain slowed us down for a few weeks," said the spokesrat. "It really kinda sucked. We had to spend our time getting the mud out of old tunnels instead of digging new ones. But now that the sun is out again, we're digging faster than ever."

Signs of progress are everywhere, with dozens of distinctive ground squirrel mounds and tunnel tracks visible on the grassy surface of Moranda Park, and new ones erupting daily. The mounds and tunnels are part of a massive underground excavation project said to run several thousand feet deep and dozens of miles in all directions.

"We don't like to give exact figures on that type of thing," said the spokesrat. "Let's just say most humans would s*** a brick if they knew how big it was. We can get to any park in the city without coming above ground once, and we're almost done completing a four tunnel freeway linking us directly to Ventura."

Asked if the ground squirrel population had deal with threats from local city workers, the spokesrat replied, "Sure, what else is new? The city has this one guy who's always trying something new. Rocks, water, poison... he should ashamed of himself. Guess he watched Caddyshack too many times. But we got plans for him. Trust me."

Local Short Bus Driver a Menace to Port Hueneme Streets

PRESS RELEASE

Looking left and right is not enough anymore if you are a pedestrian crossing Port Hueneme streets, now that a local short bus driver has gone NASCAR with her distinctive vehicle, speeding and ignoring traffic signs on town thoroughfares.

Just last week, a local pedestrian on a morning walk was forced to jump out of the way of the speeding short bus after the unidentified driver failed to halt at a stop sign. Two days later the same pedestrian saw the short bus driver blow another stop sign and speed recklessly down a normally quiet suburban street.

"I'm just worried about the example this sets for the special ones," stated the local pedestrian who refuses to be named for fear of "Mad Max" style reprisals by the menacing short bus driver. "Personally, I think she's the one that should be in special ed."

Until police put a stop to this local menace all local and tourist pedestrians are encouraged to practice extreme caution when crossing the street or risk being flattened by the speeding cheese wagon.

This could be you!

Raccoons Like to Hook Up in Hotel Parking Lot

PRESS RELEASE

Port Hueneme, well known for its strange squawking birds and distinctively-furred feral cats, can now add raccoons to its roster of local wildlife, now that a local hotel parking lot has become a hot spot for late night hook ups.

Two of the masked bandits were spotted slinking around the parking lot of the Country Inn & Suites at approximately 11:30 p.m. by a local pedestrian on a late night walk. "They looked caught, if you know what I mean," said the pedestrian who prefers to remain unnamed for fear of attack by the raccoons. "Their faces were a mixture of guilt and excitement, like they just finished doing something nasty, and they were heading towards the beach, probably to smoke a cigarette."

The Country Inn & Suites has not yet commented on the use of their parking lot as meeting place for raccoon love.

Although not commonly associated with the ocean, raccoons are no stranger to the waterfront, especially if there are garbage cans to raid. Nearby Ormand beach is known to be especially popular with raccoons.

Feral Cats Humping in Peace After Close Call With Massive Machines

PRESS RELEASE

The local feral cats have survived the recent construction work along the South Hueneme Beach breakwater and are once again catching rats and mating prolifically in the foggy wee hours down on the docks.

Locals were unsure of the cats’ fate as large earthmoving machines appeared one misty morning and started removing the rocky breakwater as part of the long-awaited construction of a paved walkway from the Hueneme beach gay pride flagpoles to the lighthouse.

Now that work on the breakwater is complete, the cats are back in action, battling one another for newly configured turf, sunning themselves when possible, and hopping the occasional ship to Siam to visit distant cousins.

A litter of newborn kittens was recently spotted peeping from the rocks, sporting the distinctive brown squirrel fur that has made the Port Hueneme Feral the year’s most prized showcat.